Be your own worst enemy: “To cause most of your problems or most of the bad things that happen to you yourself, because of your character.”
I’d like to apologize for my lacking presence on WordPress. For these last two weeks I’ve been at a constant war with myself and I guess I’ve gotten a bit lost in it all. On the plus side, it’s what inspired this pretty badass post coming your way 😉
My Self-Destructive Self
I feel like a mess. One minute I see the blueprints of my life as a masterpiece; the next I’m buried in rubble, unsure of how to rebuild. That place between my ears is so unpredictable. “That’s a bad neighborhood,” as Chester Bennington said. “I shouldn’t be there alone.” I try keeping my thoughts on a leash, but they’re constantly breaking free, roaming about and leaving nothing but destruction in their wake.
It’s crazy! Or am I? All these self-destructive things I know I shouldn’t do I can’t seem to help but do anyway. Such contradiction! Why do I indulge when I know in the end I’m only hurting myself and the people around me? Why do I ask myself these questions only to do it anyway without even answering? Where is the self-control? Why all the excuse and justifications? I don’t make any sense.
I build something up just to break it down. Why am I so arrogant–thinking I can take the same steps to find a different outcome? I’m a broken record player and I’m sick of living my life on repeat, running in the same circles. With enough effort, can I break the cycles I myself created? Rebuild what I’ve destroyed and take steps in a new direction?
The Dark Passenger
In the TV show, Dexter, Dexter Morgan describes his own alter ego as “The Dark Passenger.” In one episode, he goes on to describe that dark side of himself, and I’ve never related to anything so strongly in my life.
“I’m not sure what I am. I just know there’s something dark in me. I hide it. I certainly don’t talk about it, but it’s there always, this Dark Passenger. And when he’s driving, I feel alive, half sick with the thrill of complete wrongness. I don’t fight him, I don’t want to. He’s all I’ve got. Nothing else could love me, not even… especially not me. Or is that just a lie the Dark Passenger tells me? Because lately there are these moments when I feel connected to something else… someone. It’s like the mask is slipping and things… people… who never mattered before are suddenly starting to matter. It scares the hell out of me.”
I am my own worst enemy
Try to fly but I hold myself down
I’m the reason, the light I can’t see
I’m the reason I smile then frown
I am my own worst enemy
My own best friend
Why I can’t see, dreams I can’t reach
My own beginning, my own end
“I keep dragging around what’s bring me down, if I just let go I’d be set free.”
-Chester Bennington, Heavy
Is there a voice inside criticizing your ever move? Does the fear of failure keep you from beginning? I can hear it. I can feel it. I won’t tell you to try banishing these fears, because I’m not sure it’s possible. But you can hush these things holding you back; all you have to do…is do. Act. Begin. It’s all up to you. You know it’s not logical, the way you feel. If you can be your own worst enemy, you can be your own solution. Life doesn’t give us time for excuses. You wanna fix something? Fix it. Or as my Dad says, “Stop being a bitch.”
That’s a good note to end this post on, right? Sure. Thanks for reading 🙂