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Things I Could Never Say

“No one knows what it’s like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes. No one knows what it’s like to be hated, to be faded, to telling only lies.”

I feel like no one knows me–the real me. The me I keep hidden, buried, afraid to let free. Afraid that if anyone sees, they’d all be bound to scream and flee.

I feel like a disappointment to those I care for the most. As much as I wanna feel like I belong with them, I fear I don’t.

I feel so misplaced in this world, everywhere I go.

Though it’s how I spend most of my time, I don’t always want to be alone.

I feel like an evil little angel. I’ve done things I know I should feel ashamed of, but I don’t. I’m a monster deep down, I know. Ice cold. I try being human but I can’t. I’m broke.

I’m 23-years-old and I’ve been on my own for 5 years, but I’m still such a child. I’m irresponsible, impulsive, and I forget my dentist appointment every once in a while. It sucks cause every tooth in my mouth is a sweet one. Then again, I don’t really smile.

As much as I may have pretended otherwise, all I’ve wanted is to fit in; be like everyone else. But in my time of trying to fit in, I lost myself. Now I’m not sure who I am or if I have any self left to give. I’d ask for help, but there’s no one around to listen.

I’m beyond terrified to fail, and at night, alone in my head, it sounds like hell.

“But my dreams, they aren’t as empty, as my conscience seems to be.”

 

Thanks for reading 🙂

 

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15 thoughts on “Things I Could Never Say”

  1. I won’t offer advice. I think you are wiser then you know. You aren’t afraid to express yourself even if it is though anonymity. Just keep writing….we will all listen. I look forward to the day you introduce yourself, as you, but until then…just keep writing.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sounds to me like you are in a GOOD PLACE to write and create. Writing will transform these feelings! Just wait and see! Look forward to your next post.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I checked out your page. Yeah, with the way the world is today, sometimes it’s hard doing just what you need to do for yourself. Life itself is difficult enough. Having the option of being ourselves makes things easier, but sometimes even that is difficult. It is frustrating. Thanks for commenting Savannah

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Being yourself can sometimes make life a lot harder, when you find yourself pushed to the margins of society. Life would be easier if it weren’t for people.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. We all have our fears in ourselves. Sometimes they are more than compared to other times. Your post is much relatable. I too cannot find myself admitting to the things I am scared about or I fear. Strength is what we must behold.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think all us humans can relate to your vulnerability here. We all have it, but not all admit. I’ve really enjoyed reading blogs about Tom Petty the past couple of days. I never got into his music much before, but the posts have pointed to some brilliant songs of his, not unlike the feelings you’ve expressed here. Just add Tom Petty as a “following” tag on your Reader and see if anything you find might help :)) Dawn

    Liked by 1 person

  5. From all your writings, this is the one I relate the most to.
    We never stop learning who we are. Losing ourselves in the process of trying to fit in a certain group is part of our self-discovery journey… -You’re still young, you have a long way to go…
    We’re all afraid to fail, but failing shouldn’t be seen as something wrong.
    You’ll be fine

    Liked by 3 people

    1. What a nice girl you are.
      Really really glad u could relate to this. And thanks for saying I’ll be fine. It’s easy to get lost in everything and kinda just lose all hope. Lol.

      Like

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