Been doing a bit of thinking lately…
I’ve discovered that, for me, life has never really been so much about the final destination as it has the journey. I love the anticipation of travel as well as the journey. I love having a goal in mind that I’m constantly moving towards–working toward something greater, whether I can see it or not.
Now, I’m not quite certain I know what happiness is, but I do see it as the overall goal of life–the ultimate satisfaction. I keep shooting for different things that I think will make me happy, then once I get it, I’m back at the drawing boards, scribbling new blueprints for a new course of action that’ll hopefully bring me closer to what I think happiness is supposed to be. It’s a never-ending cycle, vicious in it’s whirls.
“I plant my feet, and I clench my teeth. I can’t outrun what’s coming after me.”
-Troye Sivan, Swimming Pools
But I’ve been thinking: Maybe I’m purposely wasting my time going after all these superficial things because deep down, I don’t want to be happy. Maybe a brief moment of content is enough. I don’t know exactly what could give me that overall happiness, if anything, but I do have an idea. And while I do have an idea, I’m still not engaging in a plan of action to further pursue that goal.
“But I see a lighthouse in the distance calling my name. But I can’t get there till I go through all of this pain.”
Because I feel like I’ve tried all the back-roads, and pursuing this idea would be like hopping on the main road. If the back-roads can’t take me to my final destination, then what happens if the main road can’t either? I’d be left with no other roads to go.
I’m afraid that if I reach this idea, this goal, then I’ll still somehow find myself lost in the merciless current of that same old cycle; back at the blueprints with no more plans.
I’m also afraid that if I do find the happiness, then my next step in life will be settling, followed by a long, desolate road straight to death. There would be no more destinations, therefore, no more journeys. I need journeys to thrive. I need constant goals–a stick behind me and a carrot in front of me. Without that, I’m lost. Completely, and utterly lost. The thought scares me quite a bit.
On top of it all, I love being an underdog. For me, there’s nothing more motivating than the scent of doubt–whether it be my own or from someone else.
“There’s a glimmer of hope, like an exhale of smoke in the sky. And sometimes we drain out all the shit that used to feel right. Empty swimming pools.”
The free giveaway for my crime novel, “The Author,” ends tomorrow. If you haven’t already, feel free to check it out. Just click the link below. Thanks! 🙂