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How I Felt When My Father Killed Himself

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I was working when the texts and calls came through. Me and the crew were installing a new A/C unit at the time. This was late September of 2017. The summer heat was still lingering, so we were working quick, which meant the vibrations in my pocket got ignored.

Several hours later, it was noon and we took a break. I checked my phone and saw a missed call and all these messages from an uncle I haven’t heard from since I was a kid. The first text read,

My brother, your dad killed himself man. I hate to be the one to tell you but you need to know. I’m here if you need me. Uncle P.

I put the phone down, calmly, and began assessing how I felt. I was a little taken back. There was a mild sense of disbelief, but overall, I felt nothing. When the break was over, I finished up the day, and that was it.

Now, before you start thinking of me as a heartless bastard, maybe I should first give you a glimpse into our “relationship”:

When it was time for me and my brother to get adopted, “Dad’s” only question was, “Will I have to pay for anything?

He was completely out of my life by the time I was 9 or 10. I remember the last time I saw him. I was outside playing. He drove past. I waved. He rolled down the window, brought his finger to his lips–“shhh”–then kept driving. I stood there waiting at the road’s edge…and waiting…. He never came back.

Before that, he was in and out of the picture. The times he was around, our moments would be brief. He’d show up with a lady. While we visited, this lady would stand back at a distance. She was always holding a binder or clipboard…just watching. Observing.

“I’m in a room with a parent that I don’t barely know; some lady in the corner watching us while she’s taking notes.”

-NF, How could you leave us

In my teenage years, he’d occasionally pop up on social media, under a fake account. He’d only show up just to point a finger at my mother and tell me everything she says is a lie. Then he’d send some pictures of himself at work or at the gym like we were best buds and I was supposed to be proud.

Memories that paint the real picture, I can’t share. Now’s not the time to get into all the bad times, I know that. But there certainly aren’t any good ones to get into.

A couple weeks ago, I had an interesting dream. In it, my father figure was in the picture. He was happy, he was normal, he was there. Everything was as it should’ve been. Then I opened my eyes.
You know those moments when you wake up and it’s like–the feeling in your dream was so profound that it just lingers, and you’re lying there wondering if it was real? If any of it was real? As you awaken, you realize it wasn’t. And, in my case, it won’t ever be. Because he took that from me.

“You should’ve been there when I graduated–told me you love me and congratulations. Instead, you left us at the window waiting. Where you at Mom? We’re too young to understand, where you at, huh?”

-NF, How could you leave us

My whole life, I’ve felt like the victim of some bully who was no longer around. His effect was just looming over me like a dark cloud. For so many days, I’d just sit alone, talking to myself, trying to figure out what I was going to say when I had the chance. How I’d vent all these years of built-up frustrations. So much anger. But that anticipated moment of relief, of vindication, of closure, has been robbed from me. Now it’s just an itch I can’t scratch. A story I’ll never know the ending to.

I’ve recently found out that I have a fifteen-year-old half-brother. We’ve connected over the experience. But that’s three kids. Three kids he gave up and left behind without a word, without a note, without even so much as a fucking goodbye. Good to know what we meant.

So, in the end, how do I feel? I’m pissed. He always needed the last laugh. Now, he’s got it. Congrats, “Dad.”

“Now a relationship is something we won’t ever have. Why do I feel like I lost something that I never had?”

-NF, How could you leave us

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9 thoughts on “How I Felt When My Father Killed Himself”

  1. Jordon, It’s so hard to respond to this and , you know what? I think I applaud you. You SHOULD Be pissed. And yet the deep breaths you “make” yourself take are such a gift for others to read. Glad to know you. Donna

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know what you mean about no feelings when you got the news. My biological dad has never really been in my life. Neither has my grandfather per his side. So when I got news of grandfathers passing I didn’t know how to feel. I knew I should be sad but I was more mad that they never spent the time with me to make memories and now he’s gone. Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

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