Ladybugs and Destiny

“I want you. I’ll color me blue. Anything it takes to make you stay. Only seeing myself, when I’m looking up at you.”

-Troye Sivan, Blue

They say ladybugs are good luck. Should one suddenly land on you, it’s a supposed sign for fortunes to come. I’ve never believed in any of that bullshit. Not until recently.

Rewind just a couple weeks back. While I was out for a walk along a trail by myself, I looked down and saw a ladybug just there on my shirt, crawling around all happy and red. He flew away. A couple days later, the exact same thing happened. The day after that, I was at the store, reaching for a jar of spaghetti sauce when I noticed another little round critter crawling over my finger. In case you can’t count, that was three ladybugs in a week. My mother told me good fortunes were to come. I chuckled, thinking about money. I wouldn’t say I’m desperate but who couldn’t use more money?

What I didn’t know though, was that I was thinking too small, waiting and looking in the wrong place. For money was not the wealth I was to receive.

Not long after the whole ladybug parade, I was added on social media by this girl. Such a familiar face, such a familiar name.

“Destinee…I know her…”

It’d been a good six plus years, but we used to be friends. After a lot of texting, we decided to meet up for lunch. Little did I know how much my whole world was about to change.

I was so nervous. She got in my car and so was she. I won’t go into detail, but I’ve truly never connected with someone so much in such a short amount of time. Most of the time was us giggling like high schoolers with our first crush. We connected over memories and Party City merchandise. When it was time for her to leave, I couldn’t help myself but to lean in and kiss her. I remembered in high school, we were at the park one night after sneaking out together and I wanted to kiss her so bad but didn’t. I couldn’t handle a repeat.

We hangout again that night, out and about till four AM. Then again…and again…. What’s strange is that my nerves before seeing her never go away. Neither do the butterflies when we kiss or just hold each other. Or hell, even when we’re just fucking texting.

I’ve never felt this before and I’m being honest when I say it’s one of the most terrifying things ever. My eyes well up even as I write this because I’m so scared, so overwhelmed with things I never knew I was capable of feeling. I’ve never connected so much. I’ve never cared so much. I’ve never wanted someone so much.

“I know you’re seeing black and white, so I’ll paint you a clear blue sky. Without you, I’m colorblind; it’s raining every time I open my eyes. I want you. I’ll color me blue.”

They say ladybugs bring good fortune. The only problem is, ladybugs always fly away. Or, if you’re me, you brush them away without knowing what you’re doing.

I’m so scared.