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To Be Human Again

“Chemistry. I’ve heard some people have it–an attraction that can’t be quantified or explained. Is that the reason behind this…loss of control?”

-Dexter

“Just a lost boy throwing a raft to the others.”

That’s all I saw myself as when I first made this blog. This was just some last resort in my overall attempt to connect with someone. Anyone. And it worked. But inside, I was still like this wooden boy trying to be real. Trying, and failing.

I look back over so many of my previous posts:
Why I don’t want to be Happy.
Why I’m Alone,
To the Future Wifey,
Say You Won’t Let Go

They all painted the perfect picture of some romantic lunatic who simply didn’t know how to love.

But I’ve tried. God, I’ve tried so hard.

My relationships were always so acute–ambitious in the beginning with hopes to soar, but never even left the ground. They never lasted more than a few days and were always so superficial. But it’s all I’d ever known, so occasionally I’d stupidly assume something was “real” when I didn’t even know what real was.

And I’m going to be honest with you all: I’ve never been a nice person. Once I realized the relationships I was in weren’t what I was looking for, I’d cut them off, pissed as I went back to the drawing board to find out where I had gone wrong–like some mad scientist with his own heart pinned to the dissection tray.

I eventually gave up my pursuit of something “real.” They say there’s somebody for everybody, but I didn’t believe that shit. I accepted that I was some special, odd little soul destined to be forever alone.

The End.

Till I was blindsided by this gorgeous girl who popped back into my life like a memory from the grave. No lie, in the beginning I was expecting history to repeat itself like a broken r&b record. But when we met for lunch, history didn’t show. In that one hour, I was taken for a roller coaster ride, blown away by some cocktail of emotions I’d never felt before. In that one hour, I felt my cold wooden body slowly become warm with flesh, and I knew this girl was special.

“I wanna hold hands with you. But that’s all I wanna do right now.”

dexterHannah

I can’t get her out of my head. Everywhere I go, she’s there. I can’t wait for her phone calls, or her texts. I can’t wait to just sit and talk with her and see if she’s okay. I genuinely care for this girl in a way I never have with anyone before. I feel things I never thought possible. That “real” feeling came to me when I stopped looking.

Back when I gave up my pursuit, I realized something: I realized that all the failed attempts had taught me what I truly wanted. I was picky though, so I figured if this dream woman was out there somewhere, chances were we’d never into contact. But, just in case, I told myself, “If I do find her…I can’t let go. I won’t let go.”

I’m not letting go, Destinee. 

Touch by touch, day by day, she makes me feel more and more real. She makes me remember what it’s like to be human again.

Thanks for reading 🙂

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3 thoughts on “To Be Human Again”

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