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This Internal Bleed.

“I’ve done tried it all, tried it all… I can’t stop this internal bleed. Now my heart is leaking, heart is leaking out. And it hurts me.”

–Kid Cudi, Internal Bleeding

Ladies, gentlemen:

I have a problem. And that problem is me.

Do you ever look around, find that everything is okay, but also find that you feel like you’re free-falling with a noose around your neck? You don’t know when, but there’s a feeling of impending doom that says any moment now, you’re about to snap.

CRACK!

Every so often, I’ll feel like this…but it usually passes quick. Lately though, it’s been lingering–like the stagnant and suffocating smoke from a burning city. And the flames just won’t die. So…what’s wrong here? A lack of sleep? Something in my diet? Something in my head?

Right now, it’s all the above. I’ve realized I feel like this during moments of helplessness. When everything is even just a bit beyond my ability to control. Right now I’m dealing with a situation I won’t get into–but it’s eating me away inside. It’s an itch I can’t scratch and it’s driving me fucking crazy. I want to be able to do something about this but I can’t, and it’s sending me into a hole. I hardly even recognize myself anymore.

“Things get crazy and I feel I’m losing my mind, and I don’t know what to do. I’m going insane and I really don’t know why…”

–Kid Cudi, Red Eye

It seems that with an increased happiness comes along an increased hurt.

Why is that? (This is why I hate caring so much)

Nothing is free. Even when it seems so. Everything comes with a price and a potential for disaster. The more we get, the happier we are, but the more we have to lose. I guess what we ultimately have to do is decide if the happiness is worth the potential disasters. It’s like skating on ice: Everything can be going so swiftly, but you still know the ice could be thinner in some spots. You’re just hoping you can make it over them without falling through and possibly drowning.

*Tugs at collar* Is it getting hot in here?

On top of it all, I seem to be a specialist at strategically messing up anything good. I say things I don’t mean, react in ways I know I shouldn’t, and overthink until nothing becomes something and then something ruins everything. It’s what I do best.

I’m broken.
I’m My Own Worst Enemy
Something I don’t want to be, but something I can’t escape from. So many of the problems in my life radiate out from me, like the ripples in a pond when a rock is dropped in. Should history continue repeating itself, I fear I’ll eventually be my own downfall.

IMG_1516

“You see I’m trapped in my mind, and I know it’s crazy. Hey, it’s not that bad at all…”

–Kid Cudi, Trapped in my Mind

I took a knife to the heart, and though I was able to pull out the blade, the wound has yet to close. Instead, it just keeps leaking. Will I ever be able to stop this internal bleed?

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