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If I Die Before I Wake

Life is so fragile, so fleeting. Every breath has the potential to be our last.

Did I Live?

How many days did I waste as I too withered away? I see all the missed opportunities  flashing before me like a flip-book. I see all the times I was too afraid to jump because of the few times I hit the ground too hard. I should’ve taken that opportunity to study abroad. I should’ve mended those broken relationships when I had the chance. I should’ve called my dying uncle when I could’ve. I should’ve tried.

All the pent up emotions and grudges I kept bottled till they rotted away my insides. All the days I spent dwelling, yelling, crying and dying when I could’ve been living.

I could’ve been living.

“Little ladies, be brave. Take care of your mother, smile pretty for pictures, always cherish each other. I’ll always love you. And I’ll be in the back of your memory, and I know you’ll never forget me. Just don’t get sad when remembering.”

-Eminem, Arose

Did I Matter?

Dad, did I matter to you?

Did anybody see me? I know I’ve always been so closed-off and aloof, but did anyone get to know me at all? Did I even know myself?

Maybe if, when I was younger, I hadn’t been such a quitter, maybe I could’ve accomplished more by now. Maybe then I could’ve made everyone proud. Maybe then I wouldn’t be feeling like I’ve let so many down.

Mama, every time I feel like I’m fucking up, I think back to that summer day when I gave up and stopped trying. I was so mad at you and I don’t know why. Tears filled your eyes as your shaky voice said to me, “I’m so disappointed in you.”

I can hardly even write the words. Just thinking about it makes me cry every time. I’m so sorry, Mom. I’d give it all to just go back to that day and fix everything I did and everything I had said. I’d give it all just to make you proud.

“Girls, please don’t get upset. I see them cheeks soaking and wet as you squeeze hold of my neck so forcibly; don’t want to let me go. Pillow drenched. Emotional wrecks. With every second, each closer to death.”

-Eminem, Arose

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Did I Love?

Did I love hard? With everything I had? Did I jump in with both feet, enjoy the fall and nevermind the impact?

I still dwell on all the times I let my insecurities eat me alive from the inside out. They ate at the very foundation all my relationships stood upon, and I just watched everything crumble. Without a flicker, without a flinch. Hands in my pockets, I watched. So carelessly. So many ways I could’ve done it different.

Dear, sweet Nanny Schean:

Every time I think about this, I think about you. I think about you, Uncle Raye, Uncle Jimmy, Uncle Dennis, Aunt Debbie and Aunt Tissie. Will you all be waiting for me?

Nanny, you were the only one who ever truly knew me and all of my darkest corners. You were the only one who could see me. No one has known or loved me like you and I’m not sure anyone ever will. Please tell me you’ll be waiting there for me.

Destinee, baby: Did you know I loved you? I could never express to you how much, but did you know it was real? Please tell me so. I could never make you feel as gorgeous as you are, but did I make you feel beautiful? All I ever wanted was to make you as complete and happy as you made me. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I’ve felt for you. I’m sorry you’re hurting; it kills me. You’ve been my person, babe. I’ve needed you. I’ve missed you. I love you.

“All I’m trying to say is that life is too short. Though I make mistakes, Baby, I’m trying to make things right. All we’ve got is love, and the time to make it right.”

–Jordan Antonacci

 

(Disclaimer): No, this isn’t what you think. It’s just creative writing. Shh 🙂

 

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