“I like to pretend I’m alone. Completely alone. Maybe post-apocalypse or plague… Whatever. No-one left to act normal for. No need to hide who I really am. It would be… freeing.”
I like being alone. A lot, actually. Don’t get me wrong, I also enjoy the occasional warm presence of others, depending on who it is; in particular, I enjoy the loving company of my Destinee and her two girls, or my family. But if there’s one thing that I’ve learned to truly cherish in life, it’s being alone.
As a writer, it’s what I need. I need the quiet, and I need the calm, so I can hear and understand the chaos in my own head; so I can properly mirror it into a blank page and somehow make others feel it too. Being alone is the only time I can think. When I glance around and see that it’s just me, it’s like I can feel the straight jacket freely falling from my body. There’s no judgement, no condescension, no expectations but my own, and most importantly, no voice but my own. It’s the only time I can really get things done. It’s the only time I can board a train of thought that can actually take me somewhere, and I’m sure many of you can relate.
Today, I ventured out from my apartment to enjoy the weather before it gets too crazy. I’ve found myself sitting on a rocky edge at the side of a creek. It’s so quiet. So serene. The sound of dry leaves rattling in the soft breeze that brushes across my skin; the sound of birds and squirrels in the naked branches above; the lacking sound of humanity–I love it.
Before coming over here, I was feeling a bit smothered beneath the pressures of personal bullshit. But as I rest here, alone in the quiet, everything suddenly seems okay. My problems still persist, yes, and I can see them clear… but yet everything seems manageable.
And even though things seem to be okay, I still know that I must tread carefully in this isolated place between my ears. Sometimes, I feel like sanity is but a thin ice, upon which I walk. Every so often, I can hear a crack. Should the ice break and I fall through, would I ever be able to get back out? Or would I stay beneath the surface, fighting to get back to the other side until I finally run out of breath, and drown?
Great things come out of being alone. So many people don’t know that because so many people spend so much of their time simply trying to avoid even a moment of isolation. People are so afraid of being in the quiet dark, alone with their thoughts. It’s why they keep the TV on at night while they sleep. It’s why they sit on their phones when alone in lines. It’s why they stay in toxic relationships even when they know it’s time to move on.
But it’s in that dark where you can finally find yourself; it’s like turning on a lamp in a dark room you never knew was there.
It’s in the quiet when you can finally hear your own voice and everything going on inside you. Take it in. Embrace it, no matter how scary it may seem.
It’s when we plant ourselves in moments of isolation, that some of the most beautiful things sprout and grow. Water it. Nurture it. Bring it to life.
The Killed Conscience
I’m currently looking for beta readers for mystery fiction novel, THE KILLED CONSCIENCE. You can checkout the prologue and first chapter in the link above. If you’d like to beta read, email me at email@example.com
Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it. Feel free to tell me what you like most about being alone–if anything–in the comments 🙂