Blogging, poetry

What it’s like like this

We can’t walk in each other’s shoes. If you’re not that person, then you can never fully understand. With that being said, if you don’t suffer from depression (or any other mental illness), then you can never truly understand what it’s like. You can never understand what’s going on inside someone with a mental illness–how they feel, how they see the world, how they think… It’s hard to understand a world you don’t live in.

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For me, my world is pretty black and white. One moment everything seems okay. Great even. I can see the life ahead of me and that future seems brighter than ever. In those moments, I feel stable. But sometimes it’s like not a lot is required to bring me to the ledge. Suddenly my knees are weak, and nothing is stable. Everything begins to crumble and fall–like a veil dropping from my eyes, letting me see how everything really is; how it was before I let myself digest a lie that I’d been self-fed. From there, it only takes a gentle breeze to push me over that ledge.

What some people don’t understand is how hard it is to stop myself from falling. Sometimes they demand I flip like a switch and stop. “Stop feeling like that, stop acting like that, stop, be happy…” Otherwise, they may threaten to mirror my mood and tell me I’m bringing everyone down with me. It’s not fair. But what am I to do?

So…I put on my mask.

Like this.

They don’t know
what it’s like
like this
When I try and try
time after time
but can’t seem to
hide this
When I can’t seem to
fight this
She said
“All I want
is for you to be
upbeat and happy
Baby please
I know you bleed
but just keep laughing”
So I smile
and I sing
while the pain keeps
stabbing
I don’t want
to make them hurt
just because
my mind won’t work
But these feelings haunt
and they flirt
My thoughts they rape
until Jordan Trea is no more.

I understand that they don’t understand. Like I said, we can’t walk in each other’s shoes.

Thanks for reading! Follow me on here and on Twitter @misterhushhush

-Jordan Antonacci

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3 thoughts on “What it’s like like this”

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