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I Fall Apart

How can something that begins so beautifully suddenly end in such chaos?

If you’ve been following me on here for awhile, then chances are you’ve followed my transition from a boy who didn’t believe in love to a boy who was drowning in it. It’s been a long road–smooth at some points, bumpy at others–, but today, that road seems to have reached its end.

Broken-Heart

In life, we fall in love. It’s one of those falls we can’t seem to help–like the ground is ripped from beneath our feet without warning and there’s nothing for us to grab onto. I fell hard for this girl. Harder than I ever have. And I didn’t try stopping or even slowing the fall either, because I trusted her. But today, I smacked into the concrete hard. As I spit out blood and teeth, I struggle to stand on these broken bones.

I’m not going to say it’s her fault, though. If I could go back, I wouldn’t stop myself from falling, even after knowing the pain of impact. This girl is special to me. IS. Always will be. She introduced me to feelings I never thought possible. It was like she took my dreams and unfolded them in real life. She opened the casket and revived a piece of me I thought was dead and gone. She showed me love. What it is to love and what it is to be loved. Because of that, she’ll always hold a special page in the book of my life…and I’ll keep that page bookmarked.

This hurts. I’ve heard emotional pain can be worse than physical. I can believe that. It’s just, I can’t get out of my head. Being a writer, this is the place I’m always at, and right now, the walls of this Memory Palace are twisted with pictures of her. She’s everywhere and I can’t bring myself to tear the pictures down. Now that it’s over, I keep trying to remember the bad times so I can remind myself why this is for the best, but all I see are the memories of our good times.

And Jesus, they were good…

When everything was good, it was perfect. Couldn’t have been better. All the nonstop laughing and cheeky grins. All the jokes and insiders. All the plans and the dreams…all the love…

Do you miss me
the way that I
miss you?
In the beginning,
our love, it
was something beautiful. New.
Together, we
watched as
our relationship bloomed
Back then we were
one
Today, we’re
two
Now the blossom is dead
and there’s nothing I can do
The flower, it is
black and withered
like my heart when I
think of you
I just pray that you’re
thinking of me too.

i fall apart

Whatever. It is what it is. I feel like I’ve hurt and cried enough in this relationship for a lifetime, and I’m not about to continue. Broken bones or not, I’m standing and limping forward, disfigured heart and all. She has a club to go to tonight and I have a 2nd draft of my book to finish. Life goes on.

We used to talk like best friends. I remember that. I guess I don’t know what happened to us. Now you’ve got me questioning what trust is. Told me you have feelings, now you’re trying to tell me that it’s not true. I don’t have a clue who I’m looking at right now, but I know the person I’m looking at is not you.

Thanks for reading.

-Jordan Antonacci


P.S.

I’m not a fan of this fat hillbilly, but I do love this song. It’s helping me a lot. Word by word, exactly how I feel.

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1 thought on “I Fall Apart”

  1. I’m so sad to read this. I really enjoyed seeing your happy posts about being in love. It’s a gift though that you are still able to remember that when it was good it was good. Love is worth it and I hope you have another chance to experience it in all its crazy glory again. Sending positive thoughts your way.

    Liked by 1 person

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