Maybe I should’ve ended it a long time ago. Everyone told me so and I should’ve listened. When the threads were so close to breaking, I should’ve cut them instead of holding on with everything. I should’ve followed my gut and accepted that nothing was going to change. Let’s face it: I was the only one in this relationship.
The ladybugs are dead.
Readers: I’m pissed. I finally open myself up and this is what I get. My relationship with this woman has put me through some blissful hell. Now that it’s ended, I need to vent. I’m beyond pissed, and I want the whole fucking world to know it.
I’m holding onto pieces of us that I just can’t let go. I know this is a desperate kind of love, but it feels like it’s home.
I want to take a quick trip through the minefield that was our relationship. Tell me if you remember any of this.
Do you remember…
When you first told me your ex still lived with you? Remember how understanding I was? We got further in our relationship and you promised he’d be moving out soon. Months passed, and he never left, and you never seemed at all eager to get him out. Why didn’t I just get the picture and leave then?
When you kept changing my name in your phone so you could hide our relationship from everyone in your family as well as your live-in ex? Oh, it’s so funny now that I think back to it. You’d change my name repeatedly then get mad at me for asking why you did that. Ha-Ha…
When you’d make me drop you off down the street from your house because you didn’t want your ex to know you were out with me? You said you just wanted to avoid drama. That would’ve made sense if you could’ve at least told him about us…
Do you remember that one morning you made me drive to your house at 6 AM? I got there but you told me I had to leave because your ex woke up. I kept my anger in silence but you got mad at me anyway just because you knew I was mad. Seriously… Why the hell did I stay?
When you went to a work party and took your ex instead of me?
When you went out with your family and took your ex instead of me? You were actually going to go to a club with him but settled on a restaurant instead. How nice.
Do you remember how we couldn’t ever talk once you got home from work because your ex was there and you didn’t want him to know we were talking?
How about when you decided to go and tell your ex that you were done with me and wanted to try again with him? We were deep in our relationship at this point and you had told me you wanted nothing to do with him. Why do I want to smack myself right now?
Oh my goodness… Do you remember our first New Year’s together? I came back early from visiting my family so I could spend it with you. Once midnight hit, you sat quietly on your phone, texting everyone in your contacts Happy New Years before even telling me. Then you sat there bitter cause your ex wasn’t texting you back. I finally said something and you mumbled “Happy New Years” without even looking at me. Our entire night was ruined, and, of course, you were mad at me for whatever reason.
Remember our first Valentine’s Day? I made all those plans and was so excited, then you canceled last minute cause you wanted to go home. You later told me you were in a bad mood cause that was the day your ex asked you to marry him. We made plans to celebrate on another day—but once that day came around, you blew me off and went to a club to dance with some other guy, then lied to me about going, then got pissed at me because I found out you went. After blowing off all my calls, you finally called back at 2 AM and put me on speaker phone so your friends could hear how mad I was. I literally just laughed out loud.
What about when you deleted all those blog posts you wrote about me because your ex found them and started reading them? You clearly don’t understand what those posts meant to me. Clearly, keeping your love for me a secret is more important…
Remember how you weren’t able to commit to us until your ex finally moved out? You were so devastated; the commitment didn’t last long before you became cold and distant. No longer did we kiss or hold hands. No longer did we talk or even enjoy each other’s presence. That’s when I finally accepted that you weren’t over your ex. That’s when I finally accepted and that we couldn’t be.
She told me that I’m not enough
And she left me with a broken heart
She fooled me twice and it’s all my fault
She cut too deep, now she’s left me scarred
To say I was patient and understanding is an understatement. All I ever wanted to do was make you happy. I wanted to take you away from that whole situation and give you something new, for both you and your girls. I shed so many tears and went through so much hurt. Spent our entire relationship feeling like I was second, and I wonder if you even took my feelings into consideration. Then again, maybe it’s best you don’t. No one should ever feel like this.
What’s worse is that half of this stuff you haven’t even said sorry for. Most of the time you’ve just flipped it all around on me and somehow made me out to be the bad guy. Crazy how I actually felt like I’d done something wrong…
I know I need to move on, so why can’t I? I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss you or think about you. Or that I don’t fantasize about you calling me and telling me you want to start over… But I need to forget you, at least for the time being; because even the thought of all this is just too much for me to handle.
So, I’ll be in the backyard digging a hole for all these ladybugs, because the ladybugs are dead.
In case you forgot how much I’ve loved you. How much I do love you.
Thanks for reading.