From time to time, us humans, we mess up. Maybe it’s not even us; maybe it’s just that we’re cursed and followed by a black cloud of bad luck. Maybe we’re just constantly harassed by some miserable $&@! who only wants to make us feel like them. Regardless, for whatever reason, we find ourselves looking around and really wishing life had a reset button. Honestly, it happens too often. …Right? Doesn’t it? Or is that just me? I don’t know. And I hate to be the one to tell you something you already know, but life doesn’t have a fucking reset button.
It’s a sad truth really, knowing there’s no go-to button we can press for a quick restart like we do with our electronic devices. We can, however, give our lives a sort of detox. A cleanse, a purification or baptism. A purge.
Maybe you’re going through a separation of sorts, maybe you’ve recently been fired, or maybe you just didn’t have time to make coffee this morning and your whole life feels like it’s been completely derailed. (Been there!)
To help exemplify the meaning of this post, I’m going to use a scene from my favorite TV series, “Hannibal.” In the show, we see Hannibal “the cannibal” Lecter living a happy and successful yet lonely life. Then he meets FBI profiler Will Graham–someone who can get inside Hannibal’s mind and empathize with him. Someone who understands him. Hannibal lets Will in, revealing his true nature and making himself vulnerable, all the while, trusting Will. Hannibal wants a relationship; Will wants Hannibal caught. In the end, hurt by the betrayal, Hannibal attempts to murder everyone he let get too close to him, including Will. Afterwards, Hannibal walks out into the rain, letting it wash away all the blood from the broken relationships and pain from the bad memories. In that moment, Hannibal is letting the rain baptize him and cleanse his life up till that point. Then, he gets on a plane, moves across the world, changes his name, and starts a new life. Never again would he allow anyone to get so close. Never again would the monster make himself so vulnerable.
I can’t help but feel such a strong connection to Hannibal in that episode. Too often, I too would like to do the same thing. I don’t know that I’d murder everyone I have a relationship with, but hopefully you get the symbolism.
- Get a new hobby
- Break bad habits (drinking, smoking, gambling, etc.)
- Remove yourself from toxic relationships and the presence of toxic people in general.
- Change your appearance.
- Start a new diet and go to the gym. Focus on your health.
- Get a new job
- Sit down in the quiet. Take a deep, slow breath. Breathe and think. Where are you? Where do you want to go? How are you going to get there? And what’s in your way?
See, I myself am experiencing quite a few negative events in life that’re making me want to restart; the most painful of which being a breakup. I suppose in a way, I’m in the process of a restart:
I’ve cleaned profusely, making sure to get the smell of you out of my sheets and all your stray hairs off my floor. I’ve put away all your pictures and notes, returned all your clothes, changed your name in my phone… I go to the gym more and write later just to keep myself busy so I don’t have to lay in bed alone with my deafening thoughts. Talking to new people just feels fake and when I go out, I feel like I’m carrying around a dead body. I’ve gone the extra 20 miles but you’re still here, like some unwelcome ghost; I guess cause you’re still in my head. Sadly, my mind is something I can’t seem to wipe clean. I’m something of a memory hoarder, and right now I’m drowning in you.
My apartment lease will be up soon. I’m thinking of moving to California to live by my family. I hate the thought of being so far from you, I really do. But I also hate the thought of being so close to you and not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to have you.
Would you miss me if I left? Would you even care?
What about you all? What are some things you do when you feel like hitting life’s restart button?
Thanks for reading!