By the way…

The Author

I didn’t mean what I said. I’m an overly sensitive piece of shit that says mean things when I get upset. But I promise, hurting you was never my intention. I understand if you don’t wanna listen.

It hurt like hell to watch you cry. The memory is still etched into my mind and it kills knowing the blame is all mine. I love you mama.

I wanted to let you know you’re a dick. A stupid selfish prick, so fucking ignorant. Why you left in such an instant I’ll never understand. This is closure that’ll never touch my hand and a relationship I’ll never get to mend. A dream I’ll never get to live because all you knew to do was quit. Well bye then.

Yes, I am insecure. I’ve been fucked with my whole life and it’s left me unsure. I wanna let trust in but am afraid to open the door. Still, with you I feel comfort. Never felt anything more pure.

I miss you so much it kills. You were the only one I could talk to. The only one to truly understand the feelings that I would conceal. Your departure left a gaping wound I’m not sure will ever heal. The thought of never seeing you again has left me haunted and without will. Honestly, I think I’ve forgotten how to feel.

Flower in puddle

Yes, I am quiet. But if you knew what was inside, you too would hide it. And no, I don’t like to talk. Thanks for taking notice. Me and people don’t really get along, and I’ve always been soft-spoken. Why am I so funny? Why is it when people are with me they have to start joking? I kinda want to choke them.

Too often, I realize I don’t want to be here. Whether it’s this place, this life, this year… But becoming my father is such an unrelenting fear. It’s just, sometimes I feel my time is already near and I’m lacking my ability to care. But then I think about you, Dear, and I don’t want to go anywhere.

Oh, and by the way…

I imagine I’ll have many more posts like this, as my list of things unsaid seems infinite. Does my list look at all similar to yours?

Thanks for reading, everyone! Happy Friday Eve 🙂

-Jordan Antonacci
Twitter: @misterhushhush

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