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The Tragedy of Truth

I’m not okay.

There are two sides to everything: two sides to every story, night and day, inside and out… and even for me. See, there’s who I am, and then there’s who I want to be.

floodwar

On this blog, I’ve always preached to be yourself. Really, it’s what my blog is about. But I myself have never truly been able to follow my own advice, though I may have occasionally tricked myself into believing otherwise (particularly, here lately). I’ve been kicked back with my feet up, living inside my own little fantasy world with the drapes shut and doors locked. Just me, myself, and my lies. In this fantasy world, I am exactly who I’ve always wanted to be. I have the job, smile, heart, dreams… Basically, I’m happy.

But every so often, I’ll stumble into a situation that’ll shake me, and I’ll wake up.

As I write this post, I’m sitting alone at a table for two in the middle of Starbucks. Not that that’s a problem—a lot of people come to Starbucks alone to work. But right now, it’s happy hour here, and the place is quite busy. Everyone here is with someone. I see relationships in their rawest form. What they should look like. Laughter, comfort, and warmth. I can see it, but why can’t I ever feel it? Moments like these are the only ones loud enough to finally wake me up and bring me back to reality. When I first walked through the doors of this store, I felt confident in what I felt—but as I sit here, everyone’s laughter fades to a drone, then white noise, then silence. I look around and I see what happiness—real happiness—looks like. I then reflect over my own happiness and I realize it was never truly there to begin with. It was a dream. And I’ve woken up.

“Look at them. They can all laugh and play; it comes so easily for them. Even though I’m not one of them, even though sometimes I can truly be a monster, today I’m just… a sea monster.”

-Dexter

And it’s only when I’m awake that I sit up, look around, and fully appreciate the melancholic tragedy of my reality. It being that I’ve been lying to myself. My truth is that I’m not happy. I’m lost, I’m empty… I’m depressed.

But, despite this revelation, I don’t believe I’ll ever snap out of my little dream world. In my dreams, I’m exactly who I want to be, and honestly, I’d rather live a lie than face my broken reality. So, I’ll close my drapes, lock my doors, lay myself down, and go back to sleep.

I’m not happy.

I’m not okay.


Thanks for reading.

Jordan Antonacci
Twitter: @misterhushhush

 

RIP XXXTentacion

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10 thoughts on “The Tragedy of Truth”

  1. As awkward as you may be feeling, I believe it’s a phase. But I must applaud your bravery and courage opening up. I believe you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
    Happiness is inside of you. If you can’t find it, create it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for such an uplifting and encouraging comment! I tend to get stuck in my head, so reading such a positive comment from someone else really helps.
      Thanks ❤️

      Like

  2. Wow. This is really honest and heart felt. I’ve been feeling the same way for the past couple of weeks and it really sucks – the loneliness, the pain, the sadness… I guess we’re all feeling this way at some point though, as much as we’d like to tell ourselves that we’re okay. I hope you get better though. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It does really suck. I think writing on this blog and coming into contact with people that know where I’m coming from—like you—are the only things that lighten everything. So, thank you for your comment❤️
      By the way, idk how to pronounce your name but I feel like I’d really like it. It certainly looks cool 🤷‍♂️😎

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yep, it sure does. Yeah, I’ve met some great people through my blog and that’s a really sweet compliment. Thank you. I guess I’m just trying to be someone I wish I had in my own life, if that makes sense. Just someone who listens and helps somehow. The pleasure’s mine entirely 🙂
        Oh, Mvadi is actually my alias. I don’t know what it means but it just randomly came to me. (Pretty crazy, huh?) I’m sure it’s not in the English language but I pronounce it like this: mu-vaa-dee. Thanks. I also like the name Mr Hush Hush. It’s kind of creative and mysterious, like the quiet guy who feels a lot of things but doesn’t talk about them all that much

        Liked by 1 person

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