Alone and Nothing to Lose

I’m sick of feeling like I’m at the bottom. Y’all are all going to see me. One way or another.

Hello? Is anybody out there? Or is everyone just playing the same game of who’s Jordan? This isn’t a pity party, I’m just getting fed up with people seeing me then turning away.

I’ve taken a step away to look at my life and figure out what the hell is going wrong—and I feel like I’m losing it. What’s funny is I don’t even know what “it” is. Sanity? Stability? Directionality?

I feel like nobody sees anything from my perspective. Nobody understands why I wanna live my life the way I wanna live it, so they keep critiquing me and telling me what I should be doing. Telling me what I’m doing wrong, and I’m always doing something wrong. I feel like there aren’t many on my side but those who are don’t support me or my dreams.

Nobody supports my dreams.

Haha. So, my blog is a platform. Whenever I’m pursuing a dream, I’ll let everyone know coz I figure having 500+ followers will help a bit. That’s a reasonable thought, right? I figured that in a way, y’all support me. You follow me to see what other content I’ll be putting out, so…

But nah, any post detailing a new book, song, or vlog gets minimal views. They’d all rather read the fiction and poetry I post on here, they’d all rather wait for the book to go through it’s free promotion. “Oh, 1.99 for a novel that took 6 months? Eh… I don’t think I care that much. When’s the next poem though? When’s it coming out for free?” At least some are kind enough to ask for the links so they can at least act like they wanna buy it.

Even still, my posts don’t get that many views. Why the hell have 500 people chosen to follow me?! Everybody would rather give their attention to the “bloggers” that post 2-lined quotes and a pic from Google for every post. By the way, to you oh so talented artists 🖕🖕🖕 Y’all ever heard of Twitter?

The lack of support makes me wanna give up, dive into madness and dig my own grave. Honestly, right now that sounds lovely. I’m alone and with nothing to lose so it’d be easy. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of something and wanna fall just to see what’s down there… but I’m gonna keep fighting. Coz if I make it… I just want to make it so I can turn around and spit in everyone’s face. You know? I’m at the beginning of the longest and hardest fight of my life and everybody keeps their backs to me. Who the fuck am I? Do I even matter? What the fuck I need to do to make y’all see me?

Thanks for reading

Photography- Jordan Antonacci (sorry Google)

4 thoughts on “Alone and Nothing to Lose”

  1. I am exactly where you are at and I love your honesty and transparency. Believe me I have walked through the same garbage. You are different and seldom do different people fit in with the common theology and thinking patterns of the masses. I could tell you that you are not alone BC God is near but that doesn’t help me feel better when I’m reminded either. What I do know is that followers and people liking you need not be your litmus test for worth. You are better than most who live according to the status quo. This path you are on will continue to highlight just how important and significant your unique gifts are.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Everyone turned their backs on Steve Jobs when he first pursued his dream because he dropped out of college. Many people doubted him and thought he was crazy but look what he’s produced over the years.

    As long as it feels right to you, and it is your passion, and your passion only, you’re on the right path. Nothing great ever comes from an easy life or things being handed to you without working for it.

    The challenges and obstacles that come your way are the Universe’s way to light that spark under your ass to get moving, for you to understand patience and to embrace self determination without support from anyone. So keep on keepin on Jordan – you got this! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes, you matter, but I’ll be honest with you. The virtual world—WordPress, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, etc.—is not the right place to seek validation. For most people on these platforms, it’s all about me, me, me. Find a local or online writer’s group and join. If you want to be a published author, your best bet is to keep writing, improving your craft, because any of the arts require YEARS of practice to become proficient. Start out small by submitting short pieces to magazines. Don’t think you’ll be an overnight sensation; it rarely happens. Most of all, grow a thick skin. You’re going to receive probably hundreds of rejections before you’re accepted. Be persistent. Believe in yourself. KEEP WRITING!

    Liked by 2 people

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