Those words hold such a familiar sound as they echo through my life. I didn’t realize my tongue had become so familiar with such a heartbreaking sentence. But as they yet again fell from my lips like 100 pound weights, I realized I may have a problem.
I have a friend. He’s been a friend to the family for a while, so he’s always looked out for me like something of a father figure. Every so often, he’ll ask about the girls in my life.
He asked again today.
I didn’t think when I gave him a bitter shoulder shrug and told him “…this new girl is getting too close.”
He shook his head in disapproval. “You say that with every girl. Do you know that?”
After a brief, eye opening moment of reflection, I realized he was right. Not knowing how to respond, I shook my head and chuckled. “You sound like Mom.”
“Just because someone wants to be around you doesn’t mean they’re getting too close. You gotta stop that,” he said.
I knew he was right.
I complain when feeling lonely, but never want to let anyone in. “She’s getting too close.” It’s strange, because this last girl I was seeing was something next to perfect. We had so much in common that it was quite scary. We also had a great time together: staying out all night at the lake, watchings scary movies, talking for hours in a parking lot… She even got us a hotel room one night because she hated when I’d sleep in my car in parking lots. She genuinely cared–and even when it became obvious that I was distancing myself, she persisted, silently begging to get in. And what did I do?
I closed the blinds and locked all the doors. I turned off the porch light and left her in the cold dark, pretending I couldn’t hear her.
Nobody gets in. If they do, then they certainly don’t get out. Not alive, anyway.
Why I do this is something I can’t quite explain. Because I myself don’t know.
Opening up, letting someone in, becoming vulnerable–it’s just something that’s never felt natural to me. The thought makes me cringe.
I guess I’m just a very cold, detached, careless person…
And it’s insane, because everything I can’t let myself embrace is everything I’ve ever wanted.
What’s wrong with me?
Hey peoples! Thanks for stopping by MrHushHush Entries and checking out today’s post. As I write this, I’m sitting on a picnic bench beneath the swaying Gatlinburg trees in TN. So peaceful. Anyway, hope you liked the post. If so, please leave a like and don’t forget to follow along! ❤
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