Blogging, poetry

Trust Issues

My problems with relationships was how this blog came to be. It’s beauty was birth from a moment of pure travesty and despair. A moment when I was at my loneliest and at my lowest. It was a marker in my life I promised to never let myself fall back to. And I’ve really tried so hard.

But history has a habit of repeating itself huh? Life is like that. It’ll always smack you back to reality without any warning, never letting you forget who you truly are.

Since beginning this little adventure of mine 2 months ago, I’ve decided not only to travel lands, but my mind as well. I wanted to expand myself. Reach out and cultivate new relationships. So I’ve been doing what everyone’s told me to do since I was an awkward hormonal teenager locked in his room—I’ve been getting out. They said it like that’s all I had to do and everything else would fall into place. Relationships that is. But, all I’ve found is that the more I get out, the more I realize relationships may not be for everybody.

Well, they may be necessary for humans, but then again, maybe I’m just not human.

I can’t trust. I’ve never been able to. The good deeds and kindness of others has always been distorted into something wicked beneath the darkness I project upon them. It’s my fault. There’s nothing anyone could ever do or say to make that part of me believe in their sincerity enough to fall back into it like a trust fall.

No matter how optimistic and bright the beginning, that light always burns out so quick with me. It burns out trying to pour light into my darkness that’s like a bottomless pit. In my world, the dreams I have of relationships and a family fall prey to my delusions. I consume what I love the most. I fear that inside, everyone is as dark and hollow as I am… though I know it’s not true.

No matter what, I know not everyone wants to harm me. Not everyone wants to leave me. Not everyone wants to reject and neglect me. But a brittle, fearful little piece of me can never let itself believe what the rest of me knows. There will always be a “What if?”

So I push away love before it has the opportunity leave me broken.

“I’m barricaded inside, so stop watching. I’m not coming to the door, so stop knocking. I don’t want you to have the opportunity to hurt me…”

-NF


First things first
everyone
in the world
is
an enemy

Even those
that are
a friend to me

Even those
that are
akin to me

Up every hall
in which I walk
I hear them whisper
I hear them talk
Names
they don’t call
follow me
just like
a haunting

You and me
we could blossom
like a rosebud
in spring
But relationships
I build
always
wilt
Killed
by my own hands
You and I stand
no chance

I want to
let you in
but there’s no room
in this prison
This place is
filled up
by me
and fear


Thanks for reading!

Can anybody relate?

Talk soon,

Jordan Antonacci
SnapChat: jtantonacci
Instagram: jordanantonacci

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Trust Issues”

  1. Eh, I wonder if it’s reaching a moment of feeling a desire to live and love in spite and despite. I think that’s what happened to me. As well as accepting that there is no forever in relationships, that’s a thing societies constructed.
    Good luck dear one ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s