I’ve always chosen to be alone.
In a previous post I wrote called, “Don’t you get lonely?”, I touched up on why I’m such a private and keeps-to-himself type of guy.
When I was 18, my family moved to California due to my dad’s work. I chose to stay by myself in a place I hated at the time. This treacherous, scorching hell is known as Dallas, Texas. Looking back, it seems my sense of independence was simply the product of the unawareness and cockiness conjured up by my rebellious youth. Teenagers, amirite? But as life smacked me onto my ass, I quickly became aware, and humbled myself. I suddenly wasn’t as big and tough as I had once felt.
During the few time we spoke after I moved out, my father would always remind me, “You either sink, or you swim.”
Words. That’s all they were to me. Just words. Then I sunk like a lead rock, and as I hit the bottom, heard everything he’d been saying to me.
You know when you’re driving and listening to your music real loud and having a great time to yourself? It’s fun, right? But then you realize you need to pay attention to directions, so you turn down the music to better focus on where you’re going.
For the past 6 years, I’ve simply been keeping the music down so that I may focus on where I’m driving. Where I’m swimming. It’s never been that I don’t want to live closer to my family, and it’s quite the opposite, really. I have wanted to. Badly. To me, living near them again would be the ultimate level of happiness. But I’ve always turned from every opportunity to do so because I’ve needed to focus on me, and better myself before taking such a step.
It was a luxury I just couldn’t yet afford. Maybe one day, though.
“But, why?” you still might ask.
I suppose a part of me felt a sense of guilt. I’ve left a lot of carnage in my wake and I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be dragging any of my messes with me. Another part of me wanted to make sure I had me figured out: who I am, what I want, where I’m going… I wanted to make sure I could swim.
As some of you know, 3 months ago, I dropped everything in my life to begin a much needed journey of self-exploration. It was on this journey where I discovered much more about myself and my life then I could’ve imagined ever learning.
I can finally swim, I thought. And that was when I decided it was time.
A couple days ago, I began a 31-hour cross-country road trip from TN to CA (I’ll do a separate post on the trip). This morning at 3 AM, I entered California not to visit, but to stay. Today, after 6 years of swimming lessons, I’m finally back with my family.
I’m finally home.
AND IT’S IN FUCKING CALIFORNIA!!!
Though the time I spent so far from my loved ones was rough, I believe it was all necessary to make it to where I am. Now, I can swim better than I ever could.
Hey, everyone! I’ve been pretty busy with this whole transition so I haven’t posted these last few days, and I’m sorry. I’m setup in Cali though, so I’ll be back on track starting tomorrow. Lots of content coming your way 😉
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