Blogging, poetry

Dating Sucks.

Dating can suck. I suppose for some of us more than others…

I’ve never really been into dating. When I hit my teenage years and moved states, I became a recluse, rarely bothering with relationships of any sort. They faded at an increasingly rapid pace as I got older, and eventually, not having a girlfriend was common for me. Family stopped asking and I stopped trying. I’m not entirely sure what happened, but somewhere along the lines of me growing up, bits of me died.

Either that or I became possessed.

I eventually gave up and fully welcomed my social isolation with a wide open, full embrace.

Fast forward five years after high school. By this point, I’ve learned about the illusion of a relationship and just how important human connection is, regardless of how superficial and brief. Cue the beauty of flings and one night stands. Next to that for me were the occasional “sex buddies,” or whatever. I’m a guy who’s roommate is isolation, so those icy encounters never bothered me… but I’d be lying if I said I never wanted more.

Then, like some kind of beautiful train wreck out of the blue, she came into my life. This girl, oh this girl. You know that feeling of certainty? That click? When you have no evidence to go off of but you just somehow know it’s right? From the fist 10 seconds of our encounter, I knew this girl was right. I’d only thought I knew what connection was till that moment. She redefined chemistry and she made me question how well I even knew myself. Everything was so natural. Like a gentle stream, it all flowed with ease.

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Photography: 2018 copyright Jordan Antonacci

See, my problem through my whole life was that I’ve always sucked with connecting. I’m…different, and while I embrace my diversity, it’s hard finding edges you fit with. In all my relationships, I always knew something was missing; I just never knew what. But after just five minutes with this girl, I suddenly realized what’d been missing. The lamp I never knew I had just turned on and showed me so much.

So how does something so right go so wrong? Is there such a thing as too much love? Too many feelings? Did we collide in passion like a hurricane and a twister? I need to know because I’ve heard true love is a once in a lifetime type of thing. Considering I didn’t think I’d ever feel something like that, I’m pretty sure that to feel it again would be equivalent to catching lighting in a bottle.

Regardless, I’ve still been trying. Here recently, I’ve been dating more than ever. I go into each one with such high hopes, but by the end of the night I’m left with a bitterness as I realize that spark isn’t coming back. Now I’m just trapped, comparing every girl to her and every feeling to the ones she inflicted upon me.


You and I
we could’ve had
all the skies

You said
this could be
you and me
but only
if you hold me

So I wrapped you
in my arms
and gave you
what little warmth
was in my
dying heart

You showed me
blue and green
All of my
dying dreams
Projected them
onto a screen
then dropped it all
at my feet
Pulled the floor
from underneath
Shattered my heart
and left me to bleed

To the bottom I sink
in a Red Sea
in shallow waters so deep
Full of empty

Everything
we could’ve been
is gone
lost in the wind
And it’s all your fucking fault.

“How the fuck do you sleep
comfortably
knowing what you’ve done did to me?
Did it ever occur to you
that I loved you?”

-Eminem, Die Alone

 

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2 thoughts on “Dating Sucks.”

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